just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
