I want to stick my p in your. b.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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