Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
