I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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