I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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