Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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