thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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