There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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