a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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