Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
