Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
