I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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