I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
