I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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