we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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