You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
