I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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