when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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