oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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