i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize