i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize