The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
