Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
