I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My liver just broke up with me...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
