I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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