I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize