Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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