I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
