is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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