Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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