When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
