i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
