I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
