The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize