Just fell off a train. Bad.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
