my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize