the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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