so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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