I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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