nut hugger
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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