So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
