i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize