so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Found your dick twin last night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
