my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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