He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
