Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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