Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
