I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
