I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
