I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
