upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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