I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
