I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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