She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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