He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
