The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
