First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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