You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just pynch a tree in the face
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
