every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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