His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize