I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize