it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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